A Cult-ivated Future

Because of respect for confidentiality, I won’t reveal my source for the following information. I was going to cite respect for integrity, too, but that word may be incomprehensible gibberish for many individuals unalterably tied to the Republican Party. I advise that subservient group to seek the definition of “integrity” somewhere, anywhere, whether by borrowing someone else’s dictionary or by becoming aware that some people actually do refuse to allow themselves to be defined by self-interest, cowardice, and/or sheer stupidity. Your fellow cultists will be an unlikely source for someone like that, but some models exist. Check out Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger. The fact that their party has disavowed their efforts to be honest and objective has transformed “Republican Party” into a curse word.

My source, I assure you, isn’t the same one which alerted us recently that the majority of the Supreme Court seems poised to abandon legal precedent as a determinant of whether women have the right to control their own bodies. Instead of the current one, the majority of which is motivated by extra-legal principles, I’d prefer to be guided by a court composed of the Supremes, one certainly more melodic, less abrasive.


In this case, my informants tell me that prior to the 2024 elections, the Republican “brain trust” (how’s that for oxymoron?), certain of impending victory, has chosen party stalwarts Mitch McConnell and Jim Jordan to spearhead extensive revisions in current K-12 curricula. Nonplussed by the choice of two such conspicuously unimaginative individuals, I impulsively remarked to my source that “spearhead” wouldn’t be the appropriate word to describe their collaboration. Spearheads are sharp; those guys aren’t. “Blockhead” the task, maybe? My informant’s eyes narrowed, cautioning me to control my comments and listen, so I did, for a while, at least.


Currently at the beginning stage, the work facing Donnie’s Docile Duo looms large. Therefore, only snippets of their deliberations have emerged so far.

While not subject matter-based, their first decision, a practical one, involves school dress code. All students will be required to wear bullet-proof attire, the cost of which will be high for parents. But Mitch and Jim will unveil re-assuring news: gun manufacturers have promised to reimburse families ten percent of this expense. By doing so, they want to convey the following upbeat message: “See, we don’t cater only to trigger-happy misfits; we’re here for you, too.”


My source confided there’s some concern that rock-ribbed (another glare from my source when I suggested the term should be “rock-headed”) Republicans won’t take kindly to this mandate, considering their resistance to mask-wearing during the peak of Covid, but an order from the massive orange scowler still controlling their party should be sufficient to ensure compliance. Who wants to be confronted by bloodshot, threatening eyes scrunched between accumulations of facial flab?


With regard to changing curriculum subject matter, one monumental change has already been decided. The broad area of study previously organized under “mathematics” will be incorporated under the new designation “Donmatics.” At first, it was christened “dynamics,” but that term implies constructively thinking things forward, an idea the bulk of the Grand Old Party, along with its bulkhead, declines to be affiliated with. This change will obviously be welcomed by an overwhelming majority of true believers, whose tolerance for numerical accuracy was shattered by results of the November 2020 election. Those verified figures, of course, dismayed cult members, many of whose empty heads exploded at their release.

The essence of Donnymatics can be conveyed in one sentence: regarding handling of numbers, there is no correct answer. Got that? Every answer is challengeable and, therefore, subject to endless recounts. Including math in the school curriculum is, therefore, a waste of time. It constitutes brainwashing innocent students into believing that precision and exactitude actually exist, a ludicrous idea outed in the 2020 Presidential steal.

With regard to Language Arts, vocabulary will be extensively revised to align it with cult lingo. Here are a few examples: henceforth, the word “Liberal” will pertain to anyone misinterpreting the convivial good time, the harmless socialization that occurred during that epic January 6th funfest. Insurrection? Bah! Humbug! Why shouldn’t ultra-right wingers be allowed to have good times, too? Fun shouldn’t be an activity reserved exclusively for commie pinkos.


The expression “climate change” will henceforth be considered a contradiction in terms, whatever the meaning of that fancy expression. Such a boogie man simply doesn’t exist. It’s an invention of those fear-mongering, responsibility-driven liberals, masters at devising issues to worry us salt-of-the-earth types. And, hell, if by some wild chance it turns out not to be a myth, worry not. Let our kids deal with it. We’ve coddled them long enough.

The designation “the elite” will be clarified. The label will apply to anyone who has advanced beyond ninth grade in school. These damn smarties, with their reverence for formal education and for fact-based, organized thought look down on us. What a bunch of snobs!

Then, there’s “lie.” For golfers, it signifies distance and terrain to the hole from where a golf shot has landed. And for those playing a round with the owner of Mar-a-lago, it’s the altered placement after the Big Blimp surreptitiously kicks the ball closer to the hole. Politically, any truth, however firmly established, that makes cultists uncomfortable will be vehemently branded a lie. To qualify for the designation “true”, information must conform to the rigorous standards of the satyr and his satellites.


And the “Pledge of Allegiance,” which, for many kids, begins the school day, will be revised. It’s a work-in-progress, but here’s where it stands now: “I pledge obeisance to the windbag who has disunited the states of America and to the repugnants which he commands, one nation, increasingly divisible, with shivery injustice for all.”


Much work lies ahead, but Mitch and Jim promise to continue efforts to please their master. If their work satisfies the whip cracker, they’ll be rewarded with lifetime re-elections provided by constituents, whom Abraham Lincoln presciently identified long ago as “some of the people willing to be fooled all of the time.” If they fail, however, they’d do well to remember their boss’s breath-taking comment about an erstwhile colleague, “Hang Mike Pence!” They could, conceivably, join him as occupants of another Trump Tower, the gallows.